"Fortress in Marriage"

Dear Readers,

As I've been continuing reading the book, Destroying Satan's Lies with God's Truth, I've been on the chapter of Principality of Rejection, I came to a part that talks about when your feeling rejected, and your spouse says, “I love you,”rejection says, “No, stay away from me. I refuse to be comforted, I will not allow you to love me.”

As I was reading that, I thought, is that what I'm doing? With all the stuff that has gone on in this marriage, am I allowing my husband to love me? Here, I have been telling him, that he has a fortress around his heart, and that he has anger, bitterness.... But if I'm not receiving what he can show or tell me, then I have a fortress around my heart, and I'm holding on to anger and bitterness. Lately I've been at the point of not wanting to kiss, touch or even have sex.

I realized that If I believed in Jesus, he was supposed to be my fortress, not my issues. I really want to be set free, and be able to receive my husbands love, so at the end of the chapter he said to write a list of ways that we have been rejected, and us rejecting other people. I wrote out the list of the main things that my husband has done or said that I took as rejection, also others. I then wrote the ways I have rejected people and my husband, like not kissing him, wanting him to touch me, all of these things. I then imagined pushing down the four big walls, (the fortress) around my heart. Trusting God, trying to stay soft and vulnerable. I then went through the prayer, and lastly, listened to the Lord, regarding the list.

Would you believe that after an hour of doing this, my walls did come down, and my heart had softened for my husband. I was actually able to go into the bedroom and make love to him.

So my Dear Readers, If you have a fortress around your heart, then I encourage you to push it down, and allow Jesus to be your fortress. Keep your heart soft, pliable, and vulnerable, so you can love and be loved.

Jealousy and Envy ( comparing and competing)

Today, when reading the book, “Destroying Satan's Lies with Gods Truth” by Mathias, He was talking about jealousy and envy, ( comparing and competing.) He was saying that this has to go for they prevent wholesome relationships with others and God,

After I prayed that God would take a light and go through my heart, and let me know what is there, so I can repent and be healed. (God loves to answer that prayer!   Being transparent now,)  He revealed to me that I compared my husband to every one, movies, other men, pastors. From kissing to thinking that other husbands would be more understanding, less angry, less sarcastic, better listener. I was even jealous of my cats, of the way he talked about widows, and orphans. I wished he would talk to me the way he talked about them. I was not content. And lately I was real bad

 I was sinning against God. My husband is the way he is. He may not be able to love me differently right now. It does no good to be jealous or compare him to others. I need to see him the way God see's him, and love him unconditionally. I have to give my hurts to God, let God heal my heart. Let God love me, the way I need to be loved.

God loves my husband unconditionally. God knows his heart, what he is dealing with, and all that he has been through.   So,  I repented of jealousy, comparing, pride, bitterness, and everything else that I could think of. I aloud God to touch me.

Ladies, after God dealt with me, God opened my eyes to how devastating all this really is. I can totally see how all this comparing and jealousy, can prevent a good relationship with our mates, with others and with God. I encourage you to take a good, hard, honest, look at your heart, your actions and see if there is any comparing, jealousy, bitterness, or pride in your heart.       Repent.    Give it to God, ask God to heal your heart. 

 know that in 1^st peter,5: 6,7 it says, therefore humble yourself under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your (hurts) and cares upon Him for He cares for you. Also, in 1st.John 1:9 Paul says, If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. May this make a difference on our marriages.

Remember, Jesus, has come to heal, deliver, and to forgive us!!

-----------------------------------AMEN----------------------------------------------------------

"Wrestling With Satan"

Hello, my dear friends,

         I learned  what wrestling was like in the days of the apostles. I read that it's not like the planned wrestling of today. Two guys would go into the arena, naked., The wrestlers would fight till someone died. Then the winner, would desecrate the dead body. He would poke out the eyes,  pull out the tongue, take off the persons genitals and stuff it in his mouth. Then to top that , he would cut open the abdominal cavity,

 making fun of the looser. Leaving the dead person. To be fully humiliated.

This is what we need to keep in mind as we read in Galatians six, that we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against all the powers in the heavenly realm. This is what Satan wants to do with you and me.  When we read that Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy, the bible is serious. We are on his hit list.

  We hear the words,  Satan comes to kill, steal, and destroy,  so often, that we do not take it to heart.

I want to leave you with this. Isn't God wonderful, he does not leave us at the mercy of the devil. Jesus was manifested so that the works of Satan, would  be destroyed.

The word of God says, greater is he that is in you, then he that is in the world. And no weapon formed against you shall prosper, and last of all, The weapons of your warfare are not carnal, but mighty....

We serve a powerful God!!!!!     

May God fill you with his strength, wisdom and power!!

"Playing A Game With Bitterness"

My Dear Friends,

Sorry about the delay on this blog., I hit a writers block, and I'm having trouble with my health, so I have not been feeling up to par.

I'm reading this book called “Biblical Foundations of Freedom,” Destroying Satan's Lies with God's truth. It is by, Art Mathias, I have been learning a lot, and God is using it to bring me into freedom on different issues.

I came across a good point that I would like to share with you today. It is helping me to change my perspective on marriage. Getting it more lined up with Gods perspective.

I have been learning about bitterness. It talks about, spending time with a bitter person, mentioning that when we encounter a person that is bitter, we play a game like tennis with them. We cop an attitude when we are around some-one who is bitter, so because of our own attitude, bitterness flows from our spirit towards them.

So, it ends up, me being bitter towards them, and then, they in turn become bitter towards me. (A tennis game in progress.)

I was thinking about this, and how true that is, especially in marriage. I repented of doing this, and decided instead of picking up a racket of bitterness, I would pick up a racket of love. Every time that he would throw out bitterness, I would hit the ball with love. And I would try to start the game with love and not cop an attitude.

This has actually helped me. I have gotten a more loving attitude towards my husband. And now I keep saying to myself I am going to hit that ball with love. And have actually found myself being able to do that. I guess that God is really changing my heart!

The Bible tells me that love does not fail!   My friend mentioned another verse that is very good,   1 Peter 1:8 ...Love will cover a multitude of sin.

I want to mention one more thing, There are seven things that are related to bitterness. Unforgiveness, resentment, retaliation, anger, hatred, violence, and finally murder. All starting with unforgiveness. Wow, now I know why Jesus made such a big issue with loving, and forgiving. And not even to go to bed angry.  Now, I know where it will lead.

So, I encourage you, and me, to hit that ball of bitterness or any thing else that is not loving, with a racket of love.

 And lets work on not going to bed angry.

Remember Love never fails!

 I'm speaking to my self also.

May God Bless You, my readers.    

"Touched By God"

My Dear Friends,

Yesterday, I was on the bus going to a cleaning job.   I was reading 2^nd peter 1...in the living translation.  When I got to the part where Peter repeats what God says, during Jesus transformation, "This is my dearly loved Son, who brings me great joy.”   I almost cried, I was hoping in my heart, that I would bring Joy to God also.

This morning I spent some time praying.  Giving the day to the Lord.   My husband got up and so I spent time with him before he left for work.   I was hoping that my friend would call, and spend time with her.

Mean-while I was getting ready to work on creating some earrings, when I felt the Holy Spirit nudge me to read a couple verses in the bible.  So, I  read in 1^st Corinthians 6:13, ...Now the body is not for sexual immorality but for the Lord and the Lord for the body.   That really touched me.   My body is for the Lord.  I am his temple.   How could I want this temple to have unforgiveness, anger, ect...  How could I walk in the flesh, if I am the temple of the living God.  That really helped me.  I've been dealing with crucifying the old man.   Romans chapter 6 and 8 have been very helpful.  In Romans 8:13, it says, by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body.   It is not the flesh that does this, but the Spirit.

  Here's another part of The Lord for the body, that touched me.   here I am, desiring my friend to call, when right here I have  my Father, who sacrificed his Son, so that I could have a relationship with Him.   How privileged I am, I really felt that God wanted to spend time with me!   I went to the couch and asked God, my Father, to join me.  I brought my Bible and started to talk to Him.  My month old dark calico kitten, joined us.    I mentioned  how neat these baby kittens are, and I sensed that he wanted me to choose this kitten to keep instead of the other calico.   I asked,  "are you sure, this one wines when you pick it up."  I did not want a kitten that wined if I picked it up.   I wanted one of the other two.   Not this one.  I sensed he was telling me, that's why I want you to have this one, because it's more timid.   I also want you to have it, because my heart is for the one that is rejected and not wanted.  Another lesson in His love.

As I was taking all this in, the other two kittens joined us on the couch.  I was watching them play, appreciating God's creation.  I felt that He was saying that he created them, and gave them the ability to jump, play and be loving.   And that just like he created them, he created me, my talents, my compassion.  He was letting me know that he loved me, and that just as I took pleasure in watching the cats, He takes pleasure, (joy,) in watching me.  He was answering my question, do I bring him joy.

So, instead of being with my friend, I was able to be with the God of the universe, my daddy.   He loves me and takes joy in watching me.   I want to leave you with this verse, Psalms139:13-14,  "God, you formed my

inward parts;  You covered me in my mother's womb.   I will praise You,  for I am fearfully and wonderfully made."     That's both you and I.   He formed us, loves us, has a plan for us, and is filled with joy in watching us.   May you be encouraged today!!

"Marriage, crucifying the flesh"

God is dealing with me strongly, regarding my marriage.  Since all ministry starts with the home and goes outward.  I can't love the unlovable, if I'm having trouble in my own house.  I have a friend that God has dealt with in her marriage.  She is very hard on me. The things that she tell's me is straight forward and  very hard to hear.  But I want to change, and I know that deep down she is right.   So, I want to encourage you ladies to hear whats hard to hear.  My goal in sharing all this is that you may grow and become the women and wives that God wants you to be.   May God give you the grace to hear and the strength to change.

In Colossians 3:5-10,&12-15,&17

It says, put to death your members which are on the earth, fornication, uncleanness, passion, evil desire, and covetousness which is idolatry.   Because of these things the wrath of God us coming upon the sons of disobedience in which you yourselves once walked when you lived in them.    But now you yourselves are to put off all these: anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy language out of your mouth.  Do not lie to one another, since you have put off the old man with his deeds, and have put on the new man who is renewed in knowledge according to the image of Him who created Him.

12-Therefore, as the elect of God, Holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, long suffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.  But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection.  And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful,

17- And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the father through Him.

We have to crucify our old nature and be alive to God.   My friend wanted me to read about Jesus and the crucifixion and see what He went through.  For to crucify the flesh is going to hurt, real bad!  Having to die!   Well, I was to see this very soon, my husband yelled at me sharply.  I did not want to have any thing to do with him at that moment.  I wanted to be as far from him as possible.  I went into the bathroom and cried, prayed, and had a tantrum.  My husband asked if I was going to the bathroom, or hiding.   Ooh, I was so mad.  I finally got my self together and slowly came out and said, "Crickett, stand up."  He did, I gave him a hug and said, “I know that you are frustrated and don't feel well, I'm sorry.”   Then I went into my bedroom.   I did not want to be around him.  I felt good that I was able to give him a hug, but I diffidently was not at a forgiving level.

I learned how you respond to someones sin, can be sin.   My husband yelled at me sharply, which was a sin. My response was anger, unforgiveness, resentment, and not wanting to be near him.   So, to his one sin, I committed four!  It took almost all night, before I would even lay near him.   I did not want to put the old nature to death.  It is so hard!   I just have to focus on the fact that Jesus forgave me and he loves me unconditionally and he wants me to forgive and love my husband unconditionally.  I kept praying that God would touch my husband, but the hard part is knowing that God wants to use me, to touch my husband.   It is so hard to give up hurt and unforgivness, and walk in unconditional love.

My friend also said that the only person that can change is YOU!  YOU have to look at your self as the problem and change you.   Ladies we are going to be held accountable for all of our actions and I don't think God is going to accept excuses.  You can no longer concentrate on what God can change in your mate, you have to concentrate on what God can change in you.   If you do that and nothing is different in your situation, just having a changed out look, can change your marriage.  My friend also reminded me that just maybe what takes the man to change is when he sees the miracle in you!

My friend shared that she never imagined her marriage to be where it is today.  God has truly done a miracle! Knowing her and praying together are giving me hope, strength and the will to do what is right.   Marriage is hard work!   You have to die to yourself and think of others more highly then you.  This process seems like it's going to take forever before you see something good come out of it.   But, what gives me hope is that my friend is seeing the fruit of her labor.   If God can do it for her, he is big enough to do that for me, and for you!   So ladies, the truth is, there is hope.

Together we are on the journey of life.  Together, we will learn, grow, and change.

May God Bless you all!  

Husband and agreement!

                                                       

Please hear me out, this blog may start to ruffle some feathers.  Please keep reading the next couple of blogs, and allow me to tell you what all has happened.

I was reading in the bible about the power of agreement, I made a sarcastic remark to God.    I have been married for eight years.   I have not been in agreement with my husband with any thing big or small.   I could count the number of times that we were in agreement, on one hand.

That day, I went to my friends house and we started to talk.  Some how agreeing with husbands came up and I started to tell her what I was going through.  She comes back at me saying, “that sounds selfish you are not trusting God.”  I took a deep breath and we talked and prayed.   When we prayed, it was powerful!   God dealt with me.  I had to deal with anger, unforgiveness, resentfulness, pride, fear, and rebellion.   By the time we were through I was exhausted.   But I felt a whole lot lighter on the inside.

A couple of days went by, and as I was e-mailing a friend, she mentioned that husband's are not just to be the head of the family, but to be the spiritual head also.   Which I knew, but now God was dealing with me on a personal level.    Conviction set in.   I needed to get help working through this.    I called a man of God and we talked and prayed.

God had put a lot of things in me, and I know that God had a big plan for my life.   I desired to marry a missionary and have a partner to pray with, and touch peoples lives with. I waited 43 years to get married because of those desires.   I honestly felt that he was there to help me, and not the other way around.   So, I had to put things in order.  I had to change my heart and trust God.   If I do what I'm supposed to do, be his help mate, then God would be big enough to work out everything he put in me.

I wondered about making goals and plans with Crickett. (could that even be possible!) At that moment he was feeling to depressed for me to even want to approach him.   But my desire that someday we could do that.   Now, this was all a VERY BIG step for me.

A few days later I was back at my friends house and she told me that when God was dealing with her, she would pray, let his desires be my desires and his thoughts my thoughts.   Wow, could I actually do that? After a few hard minutes, we prayed. I was able to repeat line by line everything she had written on a piece of paper. (and it got very personal.)

So, during these couple of weeks,

I learned, to be in agreement with my husband.

I learned, to be his helper.

And finally, I learned to pray and ask God that his desires and thoughts, be my desires and thoughts.

Wow, what a concept!

Diffidently, not what the world teaches.  Please read on to see what happened.

I had a chance to put into practice, agreeing with my husband on something big.   My husband came to me and asked if we had to be stuck in the desert, would I be interested in trying to get this house, if things worked out.  I told him that I did not think we were going to be here for ever.   I then shared with Crickett all that I had learned these past couple of weeks, and I asked him if he really wanted to get this house.   He said no, that he did not want to be in California. (which I knew) and then he said, Colorado.  So with my heart, I said, “I agree.”

My heart had changed and with sincerity I was able to say, I agree.   I was feeling confident at this point, that God could accomplish what ever he put in me, if I became Crickett's help-mate.   For the bottom line is,  God put desires in me, and I 'm believing He can get them out of me.    We looked at some nice places on global earth, that would meet our needs.  Seeing that I was receptive he then started to talk about farming, houses, and games on the computer.

 My heart was being filled with compassion for him. I was feeling closer then I had been in a long time.  This whole marriage has been nothing but division.  It is amazing how not being divided can touch your heart, and bring you peace.    I had no idea that this was so powerful.   I'm hoping things will start to turn around.       

My Son Royce, And His Birthday Miracle

He's now all grown up!

When my son Royce, was going to turn ten, I was thinking about what kind of birthday party to give him. During this time he was really interested in any thing Egyptian. So I thought if God has Egypt for my son, like he has Africa for me, then I would honor that and give him an Egyptian Birthday Party.  I found Egyptian invitations, which my son passed to ten of his friends to come and then spend the night.   I came up with some games and planned to serve hot dogs.

This thought came into my head, why don't you make something Egyptian to eat.  I thought about it, but not knowing anything about Egyptian food, ( I did not have a computer at that time) the thought came in, then went out.   

I was a struggling single mom who was getting a box of food from my sons christian school.   The party was going to be on Friday and the box of food came on Thursday.   Do you know what was in that box?  You guessed it, Egyptian food!   We got a box of Egyptian rice, it mentioned the Nile river and how they made rice.  I couldn't believe it!   That was no accident!   The day before an Egyptian Birthday Party there is a box of Egyptian rice.   When we saw that, a couple things touched my heart, one, it was like God gave Royce a special birthday present, and second, that God was honoring me for giving Royce an Egyptian birthday party. and saying that he was involved in it.

The party went great, we had games, fun, and Egyptian rice.  A day we will never forget!    

Pregnant and.........(For-Giving Self)..

I'm going to be very transparent and take a great risk. Oh, for the mercy of God. When I was growing up, I was looking for love in all the wrong places. I was dying for love. Now when I had sex, that's when I felt the most love. So, I got very promiscuous. At around 25, I gave my-self to the Lord, Body, mind and soul. For over a year I had sustained from any sexual relations. I had just gotten filled with the Holy Spirit and going to a Vineyard church.

I ended up going to Nebraska with this guy, (another story) I gave up my job, my church and my apt. Telling him that I was not going to have sex till marriage. I gave up my job, my church and my apt. Well, one thing led to another and we had sex. The moment we were through I knew that I was pregnant.

Deep down in side, I wanted to marry a missionary and knew that I was not in a good relationship. I wanted to die. I felt hopeless, and that my life was ruined. I gave up place, church, job, everything, I didn't know what to so. I called a pastor form the yellow pages and he assured me that my life was not over and that I could go back to California and make things right.

I talked with my parents. My Dad was going hunting in Colorado and that he would me meet and we would drive back to Ca.. together in my car. It so turned out that my pastor from the vineyard was doing a conference in Colorado. So I made arrangements to go to the conference then meet my Dad.

After my pastor preached they played the song, “Jesus Loves Me” I just started to cry and cry. I really did not know why I was crying. Then they played “Holy, Holy, Holy.” I realized I was crying because of the pregnancy. I went to my pastor and told him that over a year ago I committed my-self to the Lord and that I gave in and got pregnant. Could he pray for me and the baby. He did.

While I was walking back to my seat, the Holy Spirit said, “You have to forgive yourself” At that time, I had no confidence in me, so I started to look for someone to pray with me, to help me forgive my-self.

I desperately looked for someone, but every one was busy worshiping and did not seem to be at a place where I could interrupt them. I really looked! So, now I would have to do this all by myself. (Oh, how good God is, how when you take a step in His direction, he runs to meet you.) I took a deep breath and said, “Brenda, I forgive you for having sex, and I forgive you for getting pregnant.”

As soon as I said that, God delivered me! I felt pure and Holy! I felt like I had a born again virginity.

Even though I was carrying a baby, I knew that God saw me pure and Holy! I was jumping for joy.

God revealed how necessary and powerful forgiving self really is. God showed me His love,His mercy, and His compassion. This experience was a pivotal point in my life. From that time on, God has been healing and restoring my life.           

                                     I pray that this openness can touch someone's HEART today.             

To Be Bold For Christ!

To my new friends

I have been dealing with fear and rejection my whole life. God is delivering me. I do not want to walk in Fear on this blog sight. I choose to step out in boldness! I want to bring hope and encouragement. Salvation, which is being saved, deliverance, restoration,forgiveness, healing, joy, peace and love. Is brought about by the word and standing up and being a doer of the word and not a hearer only.

God's Word brings life. Jesus told us to love our enemies, To bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you. That is HARD. But that is what God wants. In Matthew chapter 10 it talks about Jesus is bringing division, not peace but a sword. Enemies will be in your own house. Jesus goes on to say that we will be hated by all for His names sake. Jesus say's “ Do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. But rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell.”

He goes on to say in Matthew 6 “Blessed are you who when they revile and persecute you and say all kinds of evil against you falsely for My sake. REJOICE and be exceedingly glad for great is your reward in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.” Now whoever confesses Jesus before men, Jesus will confess before the Father who is in heaven.

I have been greatly afraid of what men say and think. I have been taught not to make waves. I have been afraid to stand up. I am not going to be able to stand if I don't practice standing and proclaiming that Jesus is the King of Kings and Lord of Lord's.

I choose to be bold and transparent. If you my readers hate me for it, then so be it. Now, folks, this is growth! It would be much easier for me to give feel good poems, and light testimonies but that would not help me, or you in the end. I desire to give hope with growth.